there are those last goodbyes
said on balloons released to the sky
and with a little liquor poured out
where they now lie
there are the “see you later”
goodbyes that are bittersweet—
sad but not forever
there are everyday goodbyes
that are sometimes just “goodnights”
and
the casual goodbyes
said with a wave and a smile
shortened to just “bye!”
‘cause we know it won’t be long
before we say “hi” again
there are silent goodbyes
where not a single word is uttered
but knowing, in one’s heart, it is the end
there are angry goodbyes
that go with “good riddance!”
that are never really any good in the end
there are joyful goodbyes
full of “good luck!” and “best wishes!”
maybe a “mazel tov!” or a “felicidades!”
there are those strong goodbyes
that you say to stay true to yourself
that you know will be really good…
after the pain subsides
there are those barely whispered goodbyes
when our voice and words fail us–
when saying it out loud will completely unravel us
there are goodbyes
spoken with our eyes
across a crowded room
there are goodbyes
uttered by our souls
though bodies stay close together
hearts have drifted a thousand miles away
there are blurred lines on the road goodbyes
when you turn on the wipers
only to realize it’s tears not rain
obstructing your view
there are unspoken goodbyes
kept hidden under lock and key
a taboo subject
there are those confounding goodbyes
without the “goodbye”
they simply vanished out of your life
there are bedside goodbyes
in hospitals and homes
groaning, wheezing,
please-no-more-pain goodbyes
there are goodbye lullabies
sung through tears
sung over
ones unconceived,
ones unborn,
ones mere hours old
there are middle of the night goodbyes
with tires turning on gravel
and sloppily packed suitcases
there are those dreams-turned-to-dust goodbyes
the what-might-have-been goodbyes
the learning-to-let-go goodbyes
there are thriving and resilient goodbyes
the healing-of-old-wound goodbyes
the sailing-for-new-horizon goodbyes
there are so many goodbyes
too many to count
and then
just when you thought
all you knew was goodbye,
you find
a
Hello!
In the Words of Womyn celebrates it’s first birthday! Wooohooo!
What an incredible first year we had! In January 2010, ITWOW was born out of conversations and experiences and a passion for empowering the voices of womyn everywhere. ITWOW began as a writing circle workshop and grew into this website featuring online publications of womyns’ writings. As I reflect upon 2010, I celebrate abundance: the completion of three, 10-week sessions of ITWOW workshops held at Tia Chucha’s Centro Cultural; over 25 womyn having participated in those workshops throughout the year; over 75 writings having been published on this site; and countless testimonies having been shared by womyn who are finding their words, their voices, their true selves!
I am overwhelmed by the honor and privilege it is to share with my sisters in this adventure of writing, growing, and healing. In the Words of Womyn has become one of the greatest delights of my life; it is a gift of priceless worth to my soul.
I extend my deepest gratitude to Tia Chucha’s for providing me with space, support, and nurturing–without which I would not be able to develop, host, and continue the work of In the Words of Womyn. I offer my utmost respect and sincerest appreciation to each of the womyn who have dared to share herself by telling her story, by participating in the workshops, by stepping up to the mic, and by publishing on this site.
I have been so profoundly inspired, encouraged, affirmed, nurtured, and blessed by this incredible community of writers that I truly stand in awe. There is healing that may not have been stirred; there is new life that may not have been coaxed; there are poems that I would not have written; there is courage I may not have found; and there is a me I might not have discovered, had it not been for ITWOW.
So thank you all and may we continue to give sound to our stories and volume to our voices in this new year!
The womb is where life begins.
As women we are the mighty warriors of life giving creatures. Our womb speaks. Many times we are not aware. We don’t often listen to the powers of its growth and impact on our daily lives. This blog revolves around when I began to listen to my womb thru my miscarriages.
Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) takes “balls” to live with. It means persevering when all your hope has been washed away. Growing strength in areas you never knew you’d visit or even existed.
Walking, falling, crawling humbly with all your might.
Holding your heart, your tears, bare foot, broken on the path that has twists, storms, mountain’s to climb with no guarantee at the end.
Each day. Each minute is a mystery.
My womb spoke to me in way I didn’t expect. Not like when my son was born. That was joy, bliss, & the meaning of the miracle of my womb. My precious womb was alive. Despite my loss’s. My womb worked. My womb did what mother nature intended it to do.
It’s alive. It works.
My mind and heart are empty. But, my womb works. It’s doing it’s job. Sometimes, with RPL it can be interpreted that the womb isn’t working. It feels like the womb isn’t producing the life it was meant to give when there is a miscarriage. However, I believe in my womb.
In the midst of all the grief and pain, I know my womb is wise.
I know she hears my tears and yearning to carry another full term life. I believe in her.
God placed in her my body. Mother nature is wise. Together they will do miracles, as they already have.
She walks with so much pride no doubt she got the style
Got the nerve to be different all seems well in this girls life
Look in her mind you will see her last night with a knife
Taking it to her veins drops it to the floor as her heart pains
Shes giving up on life its on her she does not name names
There is no one she blames for this broken hearted person that she has become
her life has been coming undone right at the seems she has forgotten
that she has dreams as much as she wants it to end she cant bring herself to bleed.
She
walks with the most beautiful smile all the while when she gets home a
single mother shes all on her own beautiful children running all about
but she feels all alone she cant handle much more she has to cook clean
get money and pay the bills last resort leaving in the middle of the
night paying for food with the money she steals she lays in bed at night
with a dead stare in her eye she cannot even find the will to cry cold
as stone on the inside she screams with every ounce of her being feeling
like her life has no meaning
She carries herself with all the
beauty and generosity in the world trying to make it shes just starting
her life but there’s people always trying to tear her down calling her a
fool saying shes a clown to ever believe she can make it.
The
beauty in a woman that as weak as she seems she is strong because as a
female we have the will that no matter how hard it gets we never give
up. Pushing day to day we go hard at work even at play give as much love
as heart can give and that is immense a woman who doesn’t value herself
has no sense without that value that’s when self hate is born a pain
that metaphorically makes you bleed like a rose thorn. As a woman you
must know when to pick your self up…always and as we get up we brush
ourselves off ask your self when to give up always…say never.
I will not hide my laughter–
I will let smile burst forth
and shine upon those in whom I delight
I will not be robbed
of my light and my joy,
I will glow in spite of
those who would snuff me out
I will not cower in fear–
for those who prowl
and lurk
cloaked in the coward’s cover of dark
shall have no power over me
I will not shrink with shame–
I will walk tall and courageous
for I did not inflict this wound
but I have chosen
to heal
to become stronger
to not stay silent
to thrive
I will not diminish the curves of my body–
I am a vibrant and phenomenal woman
My figure does not give anyone permission
to leer
to trespass
to plunder at will
I am mine,
to give and
to share
upon my word
I will not hoard my trust–
I will discern those
who are worthy
from those
who are undeserving,
I will not punish all
for the crimes of a few
I will not make myself less
because all that I am
makes some uncomfortable,
I will live
and love
and laugh
and hope
with every exquisite
inch of my soul
and will do so
with resilient abandon.
I see you sitting in front of me
Tears pouring out
Your heart on your sleeve
Some days, you say,
I just can’t make it through
And I smile and nod
And say, I believe in you
How much faith I have in you
So little in return for me
Too often I fail to see
The resemblance
Between You and what I do
I come to You
The Great Counselor
Pouring out my own heart
And hope You will come near to me
Feeling so alone
So lost and afraid
So little confidence in my own abilities
I don’t let You see
I don’t let You in
How could I be
Someone You could love
Someone in whom You believe
Yet You tell me
You are for me
Always have been, always will be
Cheering me on from the start
Loving me, believing in me
More than any person ever has
You long to fill up my heart
So fill my heart with the faith and assurance
So much more than what I feel for these
What You feel for me
Is more than I can imagine
More than I can ever dream
So I will stop crying out for more
Because You are more than enough
Let me see a glimpse of Your heart
As my own swells with love for others
Let it overflow with the love You have for me
Your love, Your faith, Your belief in me
Will never cease
Help me embrace this faith
Help me turn to You again and again
So easy to forget
So quick to turn away
How often I feel so much less than
Yet You lift me up again
Reminding me Your love has no limits
No conditions, no end
I know the darkest secrets I hide
No more or less than anyone else
Yet I can step out and see
The greatness in him
The possibilities in her
The loving heart no coldness could kill
The warrior underneath the wounds
Even in the face of anger and bitterness
My love and confidence in them, undeterred
What I know of love
Is only a glimmer of what You feel
A Perfect Father’s compassion and grace
Help me trust You
Help me take it on faith
Because I am so weak
So prone to believe the lies
I get so caught up in fear
The rules of this world
How much I lack, how little I truly deserve
But Your love covers me, comforts me and draws me close
And it is more than I can understand
More than I can ever imagine
So much more than I can imagine
Someday I will see
Someday I will know
And Your love for me will make me whole
what if I said it out loud
what if I put it on my status
what if I spoke it into a mic
what if I said how much I hurt
what if I said how tired I am
what if I said how little hope I have
what if I said how afraid I am
what if I said how often I think about dying
what if I told how you pillaged and plundered
what if I told how you never protected me
what if I told how you lied and manipulated
what if I told how you made me feel crazy
what if I told how you taught me to loathe myself
what if I told how I’d always make excuses
what if I told how I kept up the act
what if I told how you’re not so charming
what if I told how your words are poison
what if I told how the echo of your fist lingers on my skin
what if I told the truth
what if I told my side of the story
what if I told how fucking angry I am
what if I told how you defiled me
what if I told how you shattered my heart
what if I said, “Never again”
what if I said, “I am lovable”
what if I said, “I will not be bound by shame”
what if I said, “I respect myself”
what if I said, “I will not keep this secret”
what if I said it out loud
what if I put it on my status
what if I spoke it into a mic
Rain, my heart is bursting
Tears, for my son, my helper
So many deaths this week
Passing us by, leaving us behind
Grandfather, Grandmother, Mother
They remind us that all will pass
Nothing stays the same, we too
Must change to meet the seasons
So my heart is full of crying
Also of worries, of missed words
Unexpressed, awkward, feelings
So much to say, not able always
to make myself heard, understood.
This life takes courage, to go on
To speak up, not worry about the
Surface, dive underneath, go deep
I ask Creator for help, and stop
To break in the Sky, its clouds,
The Earth, its aroma of dirt and grass
And remember the blessings.
