Procrastination is a drug
Heady and sweet
Perfect
Then fading
Need more to make it through the day
I am an addict
In the moment I feel relief
The monster slinks back into the closet
But only momentarily
Returning full force for more
And I can’t think
I can’t find my way
Stuck in this vicious cycle
Nothing ever gets done
Until I give up the drug
And fight for me
Listen to the truth
Not the lies it spews
Must, should, have to
Do it now, do it all
Not good enough
Just give up
Take another hit
Let the world fade away
Drift in so-called peace
This illusion suffices
Until it doesn’t
And the battle begins again
Break the chains
So familiar
Know this routine
These crazy dance steps memorized
Embedded in my brain
Scared to step out
On a new path
Been this way for so long
So used to this mess
Take a breath
Not the end
Each moment a chance
To start again
To reach out
To reach in
Throw off the lethargy
Cast away the doubt
Temptation resides
Always there
Lurking in the shadows
No longer will I fear
You are not in control now
I know what you are
A way to cope
A way to deal
But not real
Hand in hand with dreams of perfection
Nightmares under the guise of self preservation
Now I know you are not my friend
But my close companion for so long
Hard to know where you end and I begin
Kept me fooled
This is the best way you say
Locked in a never ending battle no one can win
Keeps me tied down
Never knowing the feel of the wind
I will take the steps to know that freedom
I will choose to see
What brings me joy
And do what takes care of me
I see you sitting in front of me
Tears pouring out
Your heart on your sleeve
Some days, you say,
I just can’t make it through
And I smile and nod
And say, I believe in you
How much faith I have in you
So little in return for me
Too often I fail to see
The resemblance
Between You and what I do
I come to You
The Great Counselor
Pouring out my own heart
And hope You will come near to me
Feeling so alone
So lost and afraid
So little confidence in my own abilities
I don’t let You see
I don’t let You in
How could I be
Someone You could love
Someone in whom You believe
Yet You tell me
You are for me
Always have been, always will be
Cheering me on from the start
Loving me, believing in me
More than any person ever has
You long to fill up my heart
So fill my heart with the faith and assurance
So much more than what I feel for these
What You feel for me
Is more than I can imagine
More than I can ever dream
So I will stop crying out for more
Because You are more than enough
Let me see a glimpse of Your heart
As my own swells with love for others
Let it overflow with the love You have for me
Your love, Your faith, Your belief in me
Will never cease
Help me embrace this faith
Help me turn to You again and again
So easy to forget
So quick to turn away
How often I feel so much less than
Yet You lift me up again
Reminding me Your love has no limits
No conditions, no end
I know the darkest secrets I hide
No more or less than anyone else
Yet I can step out and see
The greatness in him
The possibilities in her
The loving heart no coldness could kill
The warrior underneath the wounds
Even in the face of anger and bitterness
My love and confidence in them, undeterred
What I know of love
Is only a glimmer of what You feel
A Perfect Father’s compassion and grace
Help me trust You
Help me take it on faith
Because I am so weak
So prone to believe the lies
I get so caught up in fear
The rules of this world
How much I lack, how little I truly deserve
But Your love covers me, comforts me and draws me close
And it is more than I can understand
More than I can ever imagine
So much more than I can imagine
Someday I will see
Someday I will know
And Your love for me will make me whole
I didn’t think I’d miss you this much
I thought I had already said goodbye
After all the pain you suffered
And this time spent watching you die
I didn’t think it’d be this hard
Time and age took their toll
I had already lost so much of you
But you were still here to hold
But it’s not the same without you here
As I walk the familiar halls
Sights and smells and sounds surround me
Smiles and happy faces decorate the walls
I thought I knew what it meant
I thought I had let you go
Now I miss everything
And wish for just another moment to hold
There won’t be anymore special holidays
At least not the same
But I know you’ll be with us in spirit
And no longer in any pain
I remember so many glimpses of the past
I remember how special you made me feel
I don’t want to lose that
But I don’t know if I can find it without you here
I didn’t really know you
But you were always there
So much a part of my life
And now there’s an empty chair
We cling to the tangibles
Dividing left and right
When there is so much more of you
In the simple things we say and do
Packing up the memories
Leaving this place behind
No more trips, spontaneous visits
To this place where love was always mine
So much you’ll miss out on
So much I wanted to share
You made me who I am
But you won’t be there
Are you watching from above
Are the stars shining bright
I’ll make a wish on one
Like we did together on a long ago night
Tears come suddenly
From out of the blue
Little things, here and there
Remind me of you
I didn’t know the pain would be so great
A hole in my chest
A thundercloud
This heavy weight
Nothing is the same
I wanted it to be done
Guilt battles with relief
How could I have wanted you gone
Thought I could put it all behind me
I didn’t expect so much still to do
Didn’t know this wouldn’t be the end
That I’d go on missing you
I want to scream and shout
People get in the way
Bite my tongue
Hold back the words I wish I could say
Join together
Fall apart
Sometimes we love
Sometimes we hurt
Don’t want to rearrange my life this way
The pieces no longer fit
Jagged edges, missing parts
How do I make sense of this
A part of me is missing
My foundation is askew
Off balance, off kilter
Feeling restless, rootless without you
Life goes on
I know it does
But right now
I just want it to be the way it was
But I knew it was coming
Was grateful for the end
But now that you’re gone
I want it to do over again
I’m not always sure what love is
But I know I love you
And more than anything
I know I was loved by you too